Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
You now know someone who has just successfully talked his way out of being arrested for breaking into the town library at midnight. Ive been home for too long.
The sex I just had was not worth missing a girls night out.
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
Are you trying to say I've made an emotionally well rounded transformation similar to the Grinch?
Giiirrrllll. Back to back snaps of dicks. Two different guys sent me their dick at the same time. This is totally what our founding fathers meant with life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
he was peeing off the deck shouting "urinals are for pussies" that's how much hurricane.
I know that whole thing was awkward. Not worth the piece of cake.
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
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