I couldn't get internet on my iPod in this hotel room for porn, so I made due with UFC.
I'm not sure what to say to that.
Working on an important paper into the wee hours of the morning, and every time I type the word "situation," I can't help but think of effing Jersey Shore. Those guidos are now ruining my academic life.
Just found pics of us from Mardi Gras last year. Your boob job really is better than mine.
I have some memory of taking a dump in a guitar case.
You better be watching. There will be a POP quiz. Each correct answer gains you 5 more minutes of the sexual act of your choice
Bathrooms are cool, I think Im just gonna hang out here for a bit.
I just want to see him this morning so I can bask in my wasted accomplishment.
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
Woke up naked next to Alex and he was braiding my hair and then commented on how healthy my hair was. I don't even know anymore..
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
Vagina status: the swelling is going down.
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
You ever stub your boner? It happened to me. Just know that drugs and strip poker and a hot tub. I'll Regale you with the story over drinks later.
Randomize
