i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
Just watched porn on a 60 inch plasma screen TV... So that's where the clitoris is
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
I cannot even. Taco bell reception. Beers. New friends from Georgia.
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
I don't like sad things. I do like drinking though
a large sweaty girl i dont know is sleeping in my bed. A scotish man and a small child looking dude are on the couches im on the floor sleeping and im ok with it
Do not take the D yet, he needs to be worth it. Your Vagina is GOLD.
Who knew a blowjob could cause this kind of crazy
He wasn't prepared for it
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
Randomize
