i've counted 4 condom wrappers but only 3 condoms. not again.
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
Just painted my nails at the bar... I may be getting too comfortable here.
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
We don't have a lot of plans besides weed and cake
Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless.
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
Just had a flashback to Friday. Definitely had my hands in someone's bra. Definitely wasn't mine.
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
We are not having sex in the fucking kindergarten
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
Can you imagine doing supermarket sweep in a sex store? What's the sex store equivalent of a whole ham?
Randomize
