u on campus? she just peed the bed i need to go
You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
Just saw a guy wearing pink jeans and i bet he's straight. Fuck 2009.
Ia nefed hefelkp i am a taxi
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
You have no idea what this goes for my ego. I literally made you cum in your sleep.
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
well that's the third time this semester that I've projectile vomited walking to class in front of dozens of people
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
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