Her vagina felt like a horse was eating an apple out of my hand..
New drinking game watching teenage mutant ninja turtles movie and drinking every time raphael says damn, someone says april or ms oneil, and shredder appears And every time we see a mustache
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
Two dudes got up on top of the pianos and danced shirtless. They didnt even get kicked out. I love vegas
he said something along the lines of "fish can smell fear"
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
Do you have any need for a scary clown mask?
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
Almost just stuck my dick in my bong for no reason
I also know you puked in your shoe.
That would explain the note .... I apparently wrote myself an apology note from drunk to sober me .... saying "sorry for the fancy shoe soup" .... ugh I'll never drink again ...
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
This morning, I found 5 naked people in Steve's bed with post sex hair, and Steve fully clothed sleeping on the ground.
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
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