he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
nyquil sex gave me 6 orgasms so I support that
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
we found you outside the hotel room sleeping with a note next to you that said " we made sure you were comfortable, hope your friends come back soon"
She blew me in the back of the cab while eye of the tiger was on the radio. Top five all time automatically
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
He was barking to the beat of "I like to fuck" and then chugged 3 beers and fell off the deck.. I should have gotten community service hours
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
didn't realize her mom was home while we were fucking, but she's oddly okay with it. she made us food afterwards. but then kept talking about having grand kids the whole time. is it time to bail?
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
If you feel frisky later I have a cowboy hat that would look great on you naked...
Who is this......
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize
