Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
Spotted: jayne dropping her cigarettes in a puddle...then picking them back up and putting them in her pocket. If i ever get that desperate, stop talking to me
It's just like soggy cereal, but cancerous
Olympics start in one day, that gives us 24hrs to think of gold medal worthy drinking games
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
His apology was sex and a subway sandwich. Strangely, I'm okay with that.
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
my vagina can't handle any more of our 4 day long smash bash. it should be like a holiday or something. should only happen once a year.
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
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