fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
It was honestly like he was directing a porno or something. he kept telling different people to grab other people's boobs, it was all very artistic.
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
WE SHOULD FUCK TWO GUYS THAT LIVE TOGETHER
THAT WOULD BE SO CONVENIENT WE COULD CARPOOL
It was incredible. For as long as I live, I will gladly drop whatever I'm doing and spend a night with her face between my legs ANY time she asks.
I am decidedly straight, but I'll write it into my wedding vows if I have to.
He just snapchatted me a blank snap that said "miss our sex" Vagina game too strong
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
I don't know..He walked out of your room with a kraft single..and blood on his shirt...He really wanted cheese.
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
I'm reading fall out boy fanfic. What has my life come to.
Randomize
