Getting 10 cents back for every can is really just encouraging alcoholism.
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
it was one of those movies netflix should have sent weed with
he kept yelling THIS ISNT AMATEUR HOUR
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
I'd rather take 10 virginities than catch something. Right now I should be good, I mean the sex with Jake was so bad he can't possibly have an std
Did your surprise acid trip turn out well?
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
Randomize
