Sundresses, hats, and big glasses. That is the greatest trick the devil ever taught women.
Guy at red light looking at porn. I'm waiting for him to look over at me so I can shake my head and he can feel bad
Still waiting. He said he'd call between 2 and 10... apparently he's like the Comcast of drug dealers.
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
he said i ruined lesbian porn for him
is it just my freshly shaved vagina or is the guy at the end of the table pretty cute??
I don't know how, but he made a bong out of a hamster wheel. To say I am impressed is an understatement.
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
I sat on the bathroom floor yelling "hell hath no fury!" for about 20 minutes.
It's definitely revenge time.
I just screamed IM THE CHUPACABRA and jumped on his dick. I need to evaluate my life choices.
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
SOMETIMES YOU HAVE TO BLAST VANESSA CARLTON IN YOUR CAR AT MIDNIGHT TO FEEL AGAIN. IDK.
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
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