I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
i love how you can even make your typing come across bitchy
weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
everyone knows that carl winslow was the sexiest man in die hard.
i dont know you, but i just did a line with your business card.
So after the reception we snuck back into the church for drunken hook up. we passed out there and woke up in time for 6am mass still dressed from the wedding. spiritually trashy or classy?
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
So i was told that i peed in the sink, had sex with a pillow and banged on a washer while singing idian chants
Facebook stalking a girl from Germany is harder then you think.you have to copy and paste all this shit into freetranslations.com then try and piece together an awkward sentence. If only I could put this energy into something productive.
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
They're doing shots to celebrate every 15 minutes passing. You can come get them.
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
Let us ponder on the good times. Ya know when the Jonas brothers were incapable of growing facial hair and I didn't fully understand what a dick looks like
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
If my drunken penis pic is ever to be forgiven id like to start over with all that
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