She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
guys are not supposed to queef...right?
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
Ive been tazing him too get him immuned. He will be unstopable.
i believe i can now do shots of gasoline with no chaser. its been that kind of summer.
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
They evidently had to pull his penis out of me while we were passed out on the floor.
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
His roommate walked in then asked "well did you at least finish". What a way to start your birthday
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
Randomize
