3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
Well listen chief - never again do i want the scenario of going to the ER totally naked and partially drunk to b a possibility.
i have no idea who im with but someones making meatballs. im going to stay.
Stalkers don't have time for showers...it's a full time job
We convinced him to snort an altoid. We should not be allowed to drink together
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
So his mom walked in the kitchen while I was sucking him off and just casually suggested that "I'd need a glass of water after that"
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
He told me he sees me like a sister then 10 mins later tried to make out with me.
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
Randomize
