make sure you eat your skittles last so when you barf you can barf RAINBOWS.
I'm glad you enjoy my eating disorder so much.
I actually kind of like the booze poos. It's like a colon cleanse. I feel skinnier.
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
words of advice: black light parties reveal cum stained clothing.
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
It's like the last supper of drinking before the summer ends
Congratulations on your lack of fetus.
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
She went to her drug test stoned.
And strangely enough, we all know she'll pass it.
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
Do you have a moment to talk about our lord and savior, Kendra's boobs?
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
You cannot steal the fun of my nakedness. You do not own my nakedness. My nakedness is my sole property and I share that fun with whom I choose.
i really love you but i feel kinda dumb about it
Randomize
