Turns out drinking large amounts of Gentleman Jack does NOT turn you into a Gentleman -- quite the opposite actually.
so Mike and I made a deal. we'd do anal if he would help me pick out carpet tomorrow.
What...you let him do that?
It wasnt that bad. the two minutes it took is nothing compared to the 10 hr day I have planned for him tomorrow
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
I wish his dick was as long as his hair.
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
pregamed for the floor meeting. so stoned. i keep thinking my RA is shrinking.
I was just sitting on the ground alone in fetal position shivering and chewing on my hand when she found me. ecstasy was not my best idea.
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
Id prob hit it, but i instagram edited her picture to make her look better. Ha. She should fuck me just for that.
Just took physics exam. I think this is one of those 'chuck it in the fuck-it bucket and become an art major' days
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
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