I just found 22 drunken videos and 4 naked pictures on my phone. We'll start the bidding at $5
WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
Good news.. I found out what I did Saturday night. Bad news... I found out what I did Saturday night.
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
You don't have to believe me. My vagina knows it happened.
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
Then he said,"I love you like a sister I like to have sex with."
One less thong to worry about.
One less *thing! But probably that too.
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
Randomize
