dude, that chick is coming to see me and stay for 2 nights. I'm hitting the 3rd in the trifecta of friends.
You're one hell of a depraved bastard dude, I'm borderline speechless. You officially win.
They all have matching tattoos so they're all official bffs. I love my life.
I think they gave out some kind of ugly girl scholarship I don't know about...
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
and then she started to quack like a duck and u started throwing bread at her
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
sitting in the kitchen naked and eating stirfry, random dude left my room saying thanks and gave me a bottle of wine. explain...
Cancun blessed me with a drinking problem
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
he kissed both of us goodnight when we dropped him off...I didn't know if I was more offended or impressed
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
Randomize
