my ass hurt today after the party last night. I wnt to the doctors and they found a coin in a ziplock bag with a note from you. WHAT THE FUCK DID U DO TO ME???
I just saw a fat chick walking across campus talking to herself and licking her lips. Diet season is scary.
I just delivered a ham and cheese to a strip club. you were right this job is not that bad
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
There was a group of girls next to us. One was smiling at me. I only remember walking up and saying "oh you're Russian". Not sure where it went from there
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
The cop that got shot in the dick is here, let the entertainment begin.
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
it'll be okay! And just think of this ultrasound as the most action you've had in a month...
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize
