made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
i recognized the place by the puke stain i left on the pool table when i hooked up with his roommate.
Her mom is home on her lunch break. Guess who's hiding In the Closet?
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
He was still there when I ran half naked into my suitemate's room where she was skyping her boyfriend and I started singing I JUST HAD SEEEEX
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
I would totes reciprocate the nip pic, but I'm sick with a piece of tissue shoved up one of my nostrils and I'm just not feeling that ambitious. Sorry.
Are there rules against fucking your ex's dealer?
Tears For Fears is the only thing getting me through life at this moment.
What's a sexy way to say balls deep???
How is there a hawk inside this house? More importantly how the hell is he handling it without any gear?
Randomize
