im six kinds of drunk right now
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
He left with a pair of dress shoes, some goggles, and a shot glass. I think we should follow him.
i had confetti in my bra
i still find it in random places like a shoe or my car. that week haunts me
My dick is covered in produce stickers. I suspect you
Ive never seen him vulnerable before. He just had surgery and looked so cute on his crutches. like a little baby bird with a broken wing. that i wanted to nurse back to health. with my vagina
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
Things you do not want to hear after sex: I almost lost my gum in your pussy. Really dude, don't share that with me!
just shotgunning some tallboys in the cooler, you?
HOW DO YOU GET RAISES EVERY TWO WEEKS?!
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
what could you have possibly accomplished by watching 6 hours of a mythbusters marathon
well, i added sex in a wind tunnel to my bucket list
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
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