you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
Exactly. wat kind of friend would i be if i even pretended to give a shit about ur problems
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
he kept doing his monologue, "if a vagina could talk."
I mean its not the first time I passed out drunk at barnes and noble.
After the second day the hotel realized I wasn't responsible enough to have a comforter, so they took it for the rest of the trip.
She was eating whipped cream out of a plunger at 3 am in the morning. Yet somehow she still had an elegance about her.
please come upstairs a drunk asian is lying down n the middle of my room and i don't know him
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
My mom just looked at me and said; "You've been pretty bitchy lately do you need some dick?" WTF has happened to me?
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
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