Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.
Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
CONGRATS VODKA, YOU WON RHIS TIME..
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
Just saw the german running around on campus. Thought of his small penis.
As you should.
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
I'm far too poor to be letting my hookups wear my shirts home. I'm down to about a total of 8 shirts and have no intention of buying more
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
Sorry about the confusion with the nudes last night that was rude
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
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