Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
I've been crying in my room listening to Billy Joel for 2 hours. Thank God Four Loko was banned.
Discovered a freckle on my clitoris. What have you done today?
He asked me to hum the Ghost Busters theme song as I was going down on him
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
yea talk to her if you feel up to it. Just remember who you are
Oh shit sorry I just gave lion king advice sorry not mufasa
What, I can't laugh at my sister being driven crazy by Facebook randomly assigning chat significance to the guy she lost her virginity to?
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
he went down on me while I ate Oreos. I don't know what caused the orgasm.
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
he high fived his dick after we had sex
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
Randomize
