Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
Currently having a discussion about how bad cheating is with the girl im dating and the girl im fucking. This might be a sign that i need to reassess my life
so wait, they're fucking, but it doesn't count as cheating cause they only do anal?
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
You drank almost the entire bottle of everclear and wanted to walk around. I guess your best friends sister is a cop and you wanted her to arrest you like the lil wayne song.... so sorry dude.
It's alright she couldn't hear you. Her legs were over her ears
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
I have a fannypack full of condoms and acid. Let's get weird.
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
Sex in the moonbounce later?
This is why I love you.
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
you don't even have a vagina so you don't get to tell me what to put in mine
he made me cum so hard i had an asthma attack
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
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