You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
oh my god i am going to vomit. and little burgers wearing crowns are going to come out.
i went through the entire semester and only just now realized there's a girl in my history class that i've hooked up with.
You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
He's getting me an energy drink and said good morning beautiful. He must sense i'm cutting him off from the sex.
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
Only thing exciting about him was his dick.
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
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