so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
his logic is that since hes already cheated on her w me its doesnt count
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
Vodka?
Forever.
the old man that you threw the shoe at says "hi" and many rude words...
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
Something like that. Healthy diet of beer, ranch sunflower seeds and sex keeps me young.
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
How was it?
Incredible. Everyone in the world should be having the kind of sex I've been having.
He should write a pamphlet or something...
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize
