So she said she wears a diaper when she's on her period and I'm not going to lie, I kind of want to see the diaper.
ok... i just had to be reminded that people in animal costumes were feeding me shots at the bar.
We stared down the barrel of pure insanity, took more and the electric elephant god rewarded our fearlessness by giving me golden skulls and naked women crawling out of the walls. I love acid
So apparently we wrote "Lube Shopping" in Paula's diary on every friday for the rest on the year....
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
I have weed and a speedo - I don't need anything else.
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
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