his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
my ex just saw me in his brothers bed. fuck yes revenge feels good
You said that we had to leave the party together and proceeded to repeat the "ducks fly together" speech from The Mighty Ducks word for word. Soon the whole party was quite and started chanting quack..quack...quack..
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
i just drank the rest of the vodka . Btw why did we put candy corn in it?
you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
sooo... you have no idea who nailed their tubesocks to my wall?
Taking my infected piercing out in the parking lot of the food card place. This is one of those life defining moments that makes me sad.
Don't pretend you don't want to dance on the edge of overdose all three nights
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
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