That's what you get for not wearing a bra and jumping on a trampoline
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
i mean, we fucked on the futon in the garage where his band practices. pretty sure im now obligated to like his band on facebook.
He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
You drank everything last night. It was like this huge deconstructed long island that went on for 5 hours
I think you're too young for vagina rejuvenation but I guess you have never been one to listen. Sounds good! You bring the Percocet ill bring the vodka!
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
Meeting him up for him to pay half of the Plan B was awkward but worth it cause I'm broke as fuck
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
You shouted “im bobby labonte!” In the process of shoutgunning a beer. He said you were too redneck for him...
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
Randomize
