took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
They both just did a shot, head butted each other, did another shot and then slapped each other in the face. These could be the two guys we've been looking for all our lives
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
That was nice of you. Thank you for respecting the fact that I got cockblocked by a sophomore last night.
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
Oh my lord it is too early in the morning to be that horny freak
my vagina doesn't wear a watch
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
I haven't answered because I haven't figured out a polite way of saying fuck no
I just had a legitimate orgy. Wearing glowsticks.
I want to strut with the confidence of a pigeon.
Randomize
