I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
Then we started crawling around on the floor because we couldn't get up so decided to be tigers instead. Gotta love power hour.
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
I'll put it this way. My grandkids felt that fuck.
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
apparently dick flashing is a frowned upon sport here..... sorry girlfriends mom
I've never been more scared for my virginity in my life. And I lost my virginity almost 6 years ago.
He made me choke him and call him Papi..so all in all a good night.
You were supposed to catch herpes, not feelings!!!
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
Randomize
