i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
I can't remember last night. I must have yelled at your girlfriend til she cried again.
Yup.
I thought he was joking about bailing you out until I saw the picture of you and the sheep in the morning paper. Were those my boots you had on it
If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I don't care if you go out, because at the end of the night I know i'll be the one fucking you.
that was completely unnecessary, true, but unnecessary
It's like split custody, only he's not a kid and they have sex with him.
he can show you his cooooock\nshining, shimmering, splendiddddd
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
No more stories ab the wkend for co-workers... No one else found "and I didn't have pants on when I got home Saturday night" as funny as I did.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
When I said to give it to me hard and fast, I didn't mean like 15 seconds fast.
Stop studying come to the bar get drunk and help me figure out how to get home pretend there are commas in there someplace
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
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