And now I'm afraid that I'm a pornographic eater.
exactly what part of this weekend seemed like a good idea?
you won't ask to borrow his earbuds because you think it's gross, but you'll have sex with him?
Had sex with him. My tampon is now in my brain. May need surgery.
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
I always enjoy the bewildered gaze as I buy chips, salsa and beer @ 0745.
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
Chris threw beer can at guy. Guy ended up being a fighter. Chris got his eye socket broke. Fighter got hand re-broke. Chris is passed out. Fighter is in kellys bed. everybody won last night. I think.
And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
Remember that time you puked in a beer pong cup while someone else was playing?
that happened
The port-o-potty that I peed in last night didn't actually have a toilet in it. And i never told anyone until this moment.
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
Randomize
