Ugh, here's a dating tip. Hairy legs are a major turn off
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
This is one of those times where I really wish my vagina could tell me what happened last night.
You drank everything last night. It was like this huge deconstructed long island that went on for 5 hours
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
We had a 30 min conversation last night about whether or not to bone that girl with a lisp to see if she moans with one...
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
This guy on the bus keeps leaning over and sniffing my hair.
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
I think it's time for a new pick up line. So far my " hey you want to go back to my place, order a pizza and fuck?" Has set me at an all time low downtown 0/4
just creeped your profile pictures and you should feel satisfied in knowing that you had great eyebrows even before people started drawing them on
NO FUCKING RANDOMS IN AN ALLEY
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
Randomize
