You've eaten a Lean Pocket for every meal for at LEAST 3 days now. Get your life in line.
i think i was tempted to text while we were making out. like i remember holding my phone up behind his head and just staring at it.
He added me on Facebook. I'm pretty sure he got my name from the inside of the bra I had lost in the frat house.
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
I was high fiving everyone. I even high fived with the wall for doing such a good job suporting the ceiling and keeping us alive.
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
Sorry about the whole your mom seeing my face up your ass situation
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
Girl just left one of the apts upstairs carrying a giant bottle of kahlula and a lunchable.... I feel like we could be friends
Um I got a ride home from the bar with two random boys and one tried to bang me on my parents riding mower
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
Randomize
