I told her we could go facebook official. If she ups the oral.
This is a mass text. Does anyone know what the hell the asian woman at the end of Napoleon Dynamite is doing in the movie
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
and this is why we should make december sharting awareness month.
The last thing I remember is pushing my way into the bathroom and dumping a 40 on him. We havent talked since.
My mouth already tastes like senor cuervo took a piss in it and it's barely 1 am
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
So we were having sex and his roommate walks in eating a bag of chips. Then proceeds to talk to us about his bitch of a professor.
Did he at least offer you guys chips?
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
I am the girl who goes to bed with her make-up on so that she doesn't have to fully redo it in the morning. I am obviously not ready to be a mother.
How does that even work?
The resort was totally empty, just June and I. Which of course lead to EXCESSIVE day drinking and outdoor fucking. FYI Dominicans LOVE to watch.
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
Randomize
