She is in my trunk
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
I drink way too much to have a type. Last weekend I picked up a guy who calls me "baby girl"
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
I'm just saying, no one has ever made me laugh or cum as hard as you do. Sometimes at the same time which I didn't know was possible. Is there even a word for that besides love?
We have 24 days left before I leave for college and 21 condoms left in the stockpile. Are you up for the challenge?
I got another blow job proposal last night. Skills.
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
Its not that it wasnt fun. Its just I got a tooth knocked out and that was my second time being arrested this year
Told my brother the truth how I meet her...I grabbed the first thing I could when the cops came. 10 months later we are engaged.
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
"They won't do it. I'm in the middle of darkness. " and "Probably going to die. I've been walking for 50 minutes in one direction" are the last texts I got from Steve
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
Randomize
