he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
I am not a stalker...i just bring a whole new meaning to the word love
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
Would you like me to write a persuasive essay on how you should let me suck your dick?
i just complicated the hell out of my summer by fucking him this early on
This girl did not understand, once police sirens go on, road-head needs to STOP
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
There is a literally infinite number of spliffs going around this table.
Delicious
I feel like I'm at a sushi bar with a spliff belt.
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
Just stuck all that extra cocaine money we made in a savings account...like a responsible adult..
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
we turned the lights off and all you could see were my glow in the dark stars and his penis
I woke up not knowing what state I was in. Turns out, people from Deleware are pretty helpful.
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
Randomize
