next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
Im debating on how to word my craigslist post so i dont get arrested...
No fucking idea. Just paid for my chipotle in chocolate coins, though. Either there is a huge language barrier happening here, or my big boobs are finally paying off.
You want to move to a city because of their promotional beer pricing
So?
This is why you shouldn't make decisions
she tends to only attract lesbians and homeless men
Balls are being tripped. Said meow to my cat and he said yeah cool dude.
That's where the buck stops? Buying girlfriends online? THAT is where you draw the line?!
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
There was a trampoline and tequila. It was glorious.
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
Can't talk, ducks in the car
Have you ever been anal in a bush on the Vegas strip drunk?
Randomize
