There's a girl in here wearing a kaballah bracelet and a miley Cyrus tshirt. consider her judged.
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
Doing Jager Bombs on a Sunday morning is justified...How else is my team going to win?
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
Just fat and dog and sweat all over the bed. All night long.
It has moved into the cliche "thin line between love and hate" real quick. With her. Not Taco Bell.
She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
He fed me Girl Scout cookies while I was still tied up...what did I do right?
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
Security showed up because apparently we were fucking too loud.
As your roommate I can attest that y'all do indeed fuck rather loudly
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