The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
My life now consists of 2 time frames. BV before vibrator and AD after death of my sex life.
wellllllll.... I literally just puked in my mouth so perhaps this is not the epic love connection I believed it to be 3 minutes ago.
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
Blacking out is all I've done this year and we're only 3 days in. Checkmate bitch.
So you're saying you don't want to be with her anymore because she likes sex to much and is just to hot?
Well when you say it that way it makes me sound like an idiot.
You are an idiot.
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
All I've done is masturbate and drink while being home from college.
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
She asked what the dent on the hood of my car was from..i think she knows we had sex up there
Randomize
