When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
Needless to say Beer Gardens severly frowns upon playing flip cups with real glasses.
Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
We have video of him nailing the sex doll to my wall and putting all the monopoly pieces in her nose
I think if I set up a series of baby gates up the stairs each one more difficult to undo then the last that should be able to stop your drunk vagina.
Day drinking is so dangerous way too many construction workers out there to flirt with
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
I think it was clear she was setting us up when she brought me over to you and said "Present!"
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
multitasking: i'm now sitting up and smoking my joint.
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
Randomize
