Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
My hair reeks of homosexuality.
i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
Not a single person will look me in the eye. Last night must've been bad.
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
Did you clean his pubes up off the table yet?
In other news, I had my first sex related injury of the school year so that's cool
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
I told her my hands felt like they touched the sun, never been that stoned before
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
He ate me out in a limo while we were driving home. I love bars being open again!
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