Just found my girlfriend's stash of animated Japanese porn
And to think, I actually considered breaking up with her
i luv seein jocks study. its like watching monkeys masturbate.
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
Naked snow angels was a very bad idea. My vag is now frozen shut.
she wanted me to tie her up with my playstation charger cord. i kept on hoping she wasn't a squirter. those cords r expensive. could have def been a Sony commercial tho
I thought we agreed to no sexting at the school bake sale...
It felt like I was on painkillers mixed with Molly mixed with the sinking feeling I'll die alone. 10/10 doing again.
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
Randomize
