the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
I blew a .224 after sleeping for 6 hrs, cleary im a champion
MTV running anti-sexting commercials is a slap in the face to everything our generation has accomplished.
The mystery has been solved. Seagulls have sex doggy-style.
It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers
For some reason I have a hard time believing getting drunk and recreating a movie about singing transvestites is ever very far from a situation you're in.
welp wont be popping out a kid with a beret. frenchie is gone and the mother nature showed herself. bilingual kid can be erased from the bucket list
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
You don't know how skeptical I was about letting a guy with braces go down on me
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
