I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
Woke up to the sound of my own moans coming from the tv....evidently it was videotaped.
She was trying to fuck the exchange student from France. His English is really bad and the music was loud so she just pointed to a beer bottle and then her vagina.
Drunk on Tuesday. Double fisting. Mmmbop is playing. Only girl in the group. Life is complete.
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
My roommate walked in naked grabbed my hand and pulled me into her room to see her randoms dick.
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
Me and my boss just exchanged pictures of our bongs and such...I don't know I feel about this
Randomize
