i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
There is a distinct lack of front teeth here.
It's hard for me to sext him when the picture i see on my phone when he texts me is his facebook default of him and his girlfriend.
The glockenspiel player has some booze though so hopefully the ride won't be that bad
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
Yeah I'd rather get obliterated at home.
Same here. I'd like to ensure that I won't get pissed on.
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
What am I doing? I'm usually only attracted to horrible people.
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
He puked all over the side of the car and the head rest behind him...and then all he said was "America."
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
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