is it wrong that i woudl like to tie u down to the baby changing station using the straps provided?
i love how you can even make your typing come across bitchy
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
Yea i traded my bed for half a bag of jimmy johns jalepno chips, am I proud of it no, Am I happy I did it? yes
his recent searches consisted of "World record for not bathing" and "Miley Cyrus vs Taylor Swift". Not even i am that desperate.
I just realized that I'm gonna have to lower my standards if I want random head.
I feel like shit, and I can't get the band aids off my nipples.
Question. There's no better feeling than clean shaven balls. Do girls get that too?
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
He wore a t-shirt that had an arrow pointing to his crotch and "DO IT FOR THE VINE" on it.
At least he's honest about how long he'll last.
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
So on a scale of 1-10 how mad would you be if I sent you a picture from the inside of a strip club
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
Randomize
