i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
Tell Heather sorry for burning her hair. Also for anything else that I may have done that warrants and apology. Anything after about 10pm is kind of hazy.
I just found a Chris Hansen soundboard online, care to guess what I'll be doing all day?
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Took his v-card last night. Yet another experience I didn't expect to have in my thirties.
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
i dont understand why you dont get why i love him. i opened the bathroom door and he had his penis in his right hand and a mcdouble in his left.
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
my mom just told me I should hit it and quit apparently she does not like this new girl
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
I'll do whatever I want when I'm 80.
If you are still alive at 80 I demand a medical explanation.
Sorry I can't pick up... thought process is fine but too stoned to form words.
Randomize