Best walk of shame ever - Brown Hennesy shirt, bright blue overly large basketball shorts, stilettos from night before - ended up buying a ton of 40's and a 30 pack of coors.
Where are you?
A place I should not be.
Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
do you know why "how to shave your balls" is bookmarked on my computer?
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
is it bad that I didn't wash the cum out of my hair because it keeps my curls intact?
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
...But it's not like we would be the first people to pay for an abortion with student loans and cell phone rebates.
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
I dont care how drunk you were. Making a bet with MY husband at MY wedding that you could seal the deal before he could is ALWAYS inappropriate!
I think we got naked. I can't remember but if you have "friends" written on your ass, then we did. Because I have "best" on mine.
gymnastic barn sex. fuck i wish i hadn't blacked out
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
You know how it is. Tell me not to do somebody and suddenly I wanna.
Randomize
