He busted his lip while trying to keep from passing out in the pool. The hotel people don't seem to be too concerned that we're passing around a bottle of SoCo at 11 am.
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
In all honesty of all my sexual conquests, his dick is probably my proudest moment.
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
Is he the circus guy or the bi-curious street preacher?
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
woke up in the back seat of my car with a naked chick and my brother tapping on the window. yup, what a night
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
I think he fucked my hip out of place.
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
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