I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
I knew we were gonna fuck after she told me she's seen that Porno before
just snorted lines off a mancala board. I'm destined to win this game.
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
your facebook page is a work of drunk art.
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
Im on my period and I feel like I'm going to die. The only thing that can make this tolerable is for you to eat me out in the shower. Please. I'll do anything.
I feel like im becoming the girl who only drunk texts him. I would be in the dog house, if situations like this had dog houses.
Well I just put wine in my tea
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
MY WHOLE FAMLY IS TALKING ABOUT MY BUTT
WAIT I'M COMING I WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT TOO
Randomize
