People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
Do what? I was just saying that at some point there's a chance I'll have a boner. Think of it like a guessing game. "Does he have one now?"
I'm not saying Tijuana was a bad idea, I'm saying that we make poor life choices. And Steve was robbed by the police.
She judged ME for picking my nose when SHE has the clap.
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
The whole bar erupted and in happiness and confusion as I went on about pancakes.
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
I also just stashed a half dozen bobby pins in my bra.... So when you take it off later, consider yourself warned
he's so sweet and its so cute. but I swear to fuck if I let my guard down and this was all a lie I am going to become a serial killer.
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
Randomize
