even in my darkest moments, having another person eat my jizz would make me smile
New beer pong partner names "Bus Boys" ... We clear tables
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
What am I legally allowed to do to a girl that is the equivalent of me punching her in the face?
Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
Omg. One night stands are not supposed to show up to your swim class the morning after. Worst lesson ever.
answered a 6 am booty call this morning...you were still in the er so I thought what the hell
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
Usually I just ask myself "have I been naked here?" If the answer is no I correct the situation.
My snow day: told Cam, "we're not dating today, we're just roommates." No bra, boxers, drinking whiskey by myself for the past 2 hours, yelling at The Ultimate Fighter reruns from 3 years ago.
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
Come camping we have xanax and steaks
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED