Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
So the bar isnt gonna put that broken window on my tab. appaerently they want cash
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
15 Things That Could NEVER Happen Anywhere But the South
We should have cut you off when you asked the can driver if you could ride in the trunk.
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
All I kmoe is rheres a coffee pot full pf vodka in my purse
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
15 Times “Flight of the Conchords” Made You Feel Better About Being a Twenty-Something
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
Topenga is going to be back on TV. Finally my fantasy of her being a milf in junior high has come full circle.
You took photos of my underwear around London the day after! THAT was too soon.
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat
I left him on his mom's lawn after he passed out in my lap and told me my vagina smells like flowers. Couple of the year award