The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
It's like split custody, only he's not a kid and they have sex with him.
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
U have to come, I miss the sound of you throwing up.
The more and more I drink I keep rationalizing banging eye patch girl
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
Randomize
