my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
Why is there a case of Coors Light with my address on it?
Miss Michigan hasn't even been Miss USA for 24hrs and already stripper pole pics are surfacing. Classy.
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
Hungover snowboarding. Puked off the lift and traumatized a group lesson for kids. Crash course on adulthood.
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
Well we get the HIV results on my birthday haha. It'll be like happy birthday kid, you have AIDS.
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
I don't know what happened. His phone, shirt, shoes, and the condom wrapper are here but he isn't. I don't even know how to get a hold of him right now
I have vodka and 50 pizza rolls best spring break ever
You laid on the floor and pet their rug. and then demanded Voss water.
Randomize
