Thanks again for letting me crash last nite. Sorry I banged your little brother.
I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
i think i'm in class. and blacked out.
u sent me just one boob. one just doesnt do it for me. u dont get full on a half a rack of ribs u need a full one
I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
apparently I kept yelling at her that I wanted t-Rex sized lines. awesome
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
MUFFINS DON'T MAKE YOU ORGASM MULTIPLE TIMES OR HAVE ROCK HARD MUSCLES.
This chick just walked out of the men's room with molly all over her nose and her shirt half unbuttoned. She nodded to all of us and said "gentlemen" as she exited
Randomize
